My journey to self-love began with the profound realization that sometimes our deepest wounds pave the path to our most transformative healing. In truth, I came to understand that I was blessed by betrayal. It was through the heartbreak and disappointment of betrayal that I was forced to confront my own insecurities and unhealed wounds. What felt like devastation at the time became the catalyst for a powerful shift within me, leading to the discovery that true love begins with the love we cultivate for ourselves.
“Life is happening for you, not to you.”
This phrase often spoken to those struggling in dark times.
When you’re in deep pain, it’s not what you want to hear.
But maybe understanding this paradox is the key to finding true happiness.
Reflecting on Life
Reflecting on six decades of life, I’ve often questioned: why has lasting love proven elusive despite life’s successes and joys? Why did my efforts to care for others sometimes leave me feeling empty, despite my deep devotion? Was sacrificing my own happiness to please others often what led to my discontentment. These questions have driven me to explore my life deeply, seeking not just answers but a true and honest understanding of myself and the patterns shaping my relationships. This journey of self-discovery has prompted me to confront vulnerabilities, embrace self-love, and prioritize authenticity in pursuit of true fulfillment. Each question has become a guiding lesson, fostering deeper connections with myself and others, and leading to a more meaningful and authentic life.
Navigating Life’s Questions
If you, like me, find yourself searching for answers to life’s questions or feeling lost amidst chaos, it might be time to delve deep within yourself. Understand, that life’s solutions aren’t found in external factors but within us. Taking a pause from the busyness and turmoil of life to seek truth can lead to profound discoveries. From my own journey, I’ve learned that God, the Universe, Source, whatever you choose to call the higher power that guides our lives, presents us with lessons and opportunities for growth through each experience. These lessons repeat until we grasp our true purpose. Sometimes, God intervenes decisively, nudging us into situations where seeking His guidance becomes imperative. Perhaps you find yourself at such a crossroads now.
Note: In this blog, my goal is to support you in navigating your path—whether it’s gaining clarity on life’s mysteries, envisioning the future, or uncovering your life’s purpose. Together, let’s embark on a journey of introspection and discovery, embracing the wisdom that comes from seeking truth within ourselves and from divine guidance. But before we begin, it may be helpful for me to share my story with you. Know that it’s not to seek sympathy, for I am far from being a victim. Instead, my hope is that my story will inspire and guide you on your own journey.
A Constant Longing
Despite the many disappointments, heartbreaks and betrayals there have been many happy moments in my life. I’ve had a good life, filled with success and adventure. But even with all these achievements, I’ve often found myself grappling with a constant emptiness, a longing that was hard to clearly define. It’s like there’s been a persistent hole in my heart, despite the outward appearances of happiness, success and fulfillment. These moments of longing have been reminders that true happiness isn’t solely defined by external accomplishments, but by a deeper sense of inner peace and connection. They’ve prompted me to delve into the deeper layers of my emotional landscape, searching for meaning and fulfillment beyond surface-level achievements. Through my journey, I’ve begun to understand that true happiness isn’t about what we accomplish, but from how authentically we live and love.
Desperate for Love
The truth is, I craved love deeply and desperately. I yearned to experience the same depth of love I offered others, yet this longing always felt just out of reach. Reflecting on my past relationships brought forth a recurring question: why was it so challenging to find real, lasting love? Why did my relationships often fall short of my hopes and dreams? These questions and God’s divine intervention ignited a journey of deep self-reflection and discovery, aimed at gaining a better understanding of love and relationships. Confronting my own weaknesses and fears, I explored how they influenced my connections with others. Through this introspection, I’ve come to realize that true love begins within oneself, nurtured by self-acceptance, compassion, and a profound understanding of one’s own needs and desires. It’s an ongoing journey of learning and growth, where each experience—no matter how challenging—offers invaluable lessons in love and resilience.
Turning Inward
After the end of a challenging five-year relationship, I had a pivotal moment of introspection. I woke up to the fact that I was the common denominator in my past relationship struggles, prompting a profound shift in perspective. This journey led me to delve into self-help literature and insightful YouTube videos. I began to unravel patterns and behaviors that might have led to my challenging relationships. This deep self-reflection wasn’t solely about understanding past mistakes but also about personal growth and healing. It began a transformative journey to self-awareness, where I understood my strengths, weaknesses, and emotional needs clearly. This journey was challenging at times, but it laid the foundation for deeper self-understanding and the possibility of forging healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.
Journey to Healing
I spent the next eight months working on me, solo. It felt like an eternity, particularly for someone like me, who held a profound fear of solitude. Eight days alone was a stretch, let alone eight months. But after those eight long months, I thought I was ready. I believed I was healed. I’d done the work, and this time it was going to be different! Little did I know, but my healing journey hadn’t even begun.
Faith in Divine Timing
I remember that May morning clearly. The heartwarming melody of Keith Urban’s ‘My Heart Is Open’ filled the room, enveloping me in a moment of peace. In a heartfelt conversation with a higher power, I whispered, ‘God, I think I’m ready now, but only if You believe I am.’ It was a moment of surrender, a plea for guidance and clarity as I awaited a new chapter of my journey. ‘This time,’ I prayed, ‘I’d like a relationship that is sacred and true, in your divine timing.’ In that vulnerable moment, I placed my trust in something greater than myself, seeking not just companionship but a deeper connection rooted in faith and spiritual alignment. This conversation with God was just the beginning of a pivotal journey towards understanding that true love begins with profound love for oneself and for the divine. This moment set the stage for an incredible journey of healing and fulfillment.
A Swift Turn of Events
Only four days later, it happened. A man walked through my door, and although it wasn’t our first meeting—we had done business together nearly two decades before—in that instant, it felt like destiny had intervened. It was love at first sight. As our eyes met, it took my breath away. We chatted for a while; his demeanor was pleasant, and his rapport was kind. After an hour or so of exchanging pleasantries and finalizing our business, he left. Within an hour of his departure, his first text arrived.
The Fairytale
The fairytale was underway, filled with love notes, romance, candles, kissy faces, heart emojis, and an attentiveness I had never experienced. It felt like I had finally found ‘the one.’ The bliss I felt was certainly true love; he proclaimed it to me every day. He showered me with affection and acts of service, and in return, I met him at the alter in just 3 short months. I then devoted myself wholeheartedly to being the best wife possible. My devotion ran deep, as I poured my heart and soul into our relationship, believing in the fairy tale unfolding before me.
From Bliss to Desolation
After a year of love, laughter, and deep connection that seemed to fit like a hand in a glove, as suddenly as the bliss came, it vanished. His words, once comforting, now stung with hurt, even when said in jest. The heartfelt messages ceased, replaced by an increasing absence as he buried himself in his work. I struggled tirelessly to understand what had changed. How could a love that felt so genuine, beautiful, and radiant come to such an abrupt halt? The contrast between our initial happiness and this sudden distance was bewildering. I agonized over every detail, searching for answers that seemed to slip further from my grasp with each passing day.
Betrayal and Loss
My heart sank, and a heavy sadness enveloped me as I struggled to make sense of it all. The sudden transformation was baffling. One moment, I was living a fairytale, filled with love and affection, and the next, I found myself in the midst of my worst nightmare. The emotional distance was more than I could bear. I spent countless hours replaying every moment in my mind, desperately searching for answers that never seemed to come. My thoughts were consumed with unanswerable questions: How could someone who once professed such deep love become so distant and detached? What had I done wrong to deserve this shift in our relationship? I simply couldn’t wrap my mind around the situation I found myself in. The pain was overwhelming, as if my heart had been torn from my chest and my soul shattered into a million pieces.
A Devastating Departure
After months of pleading with him for answers to his behavior, and receiving only blank stares in return, I felt like I was slowly losing my mind. I didn’t even recognize the woman staring back at me in the mirror anymore. The emotional stress was unbearable, and I struggled to find solace in the midst of confusion and heartache. Then, two weeks after my mom passed away and just ten days before Christmas, he walked out the door, leaving me in a state of devastation unlike anything I had ever experienced. My mind, heart, and soul were shattered. I felt utterly lost, abandoned, betrayed, and completely devastated.
Navigating Turbulent Waters
For the next nine months, he hovered in and out of my life, leaving me in a state of constant turmoil. It seemed as if he took pleasure in witnessing my despair, watching me slowly deteriorate before his eyes. I’ll spare you the grim details of those encounters, but it was a time of profound pain and confusion. The emotional rollercoaster I endured was excruciating, filled with moments of despair and hopelessness. I grappled with feelings of worthlessness and an overwhelming sense of loss, struggling to find my footing in a world that suddenly felt cruel and uncertain.
A Light in the Darkness
Those nine months were the most excruciating of my life, filled with overwhelming darkness, confusion, and despair. At times, I contemplated not wanting to continue on this earth. My depression was profound, though not my first encounter with the dark night of the soul. Feelings of worthlessness, abandonment, and unbearable loneliness haunted me. In this deep pain, I couldn’t yet see how I was being blessed by betrayal, discovering profound lessons amidst the shattered remnants of my heart and soul. Yet, amid the darkness, a faint glimmer of light pierced through. I began to realize that God was by my side, guiding me. Life wasn’t just happening to me but for me, offering lessons and growth even in my deepest struggles.
Blessed by Betrayal
Amidst the euphoria of love’s blossoming, there exists a quiet strength in recognizing the lessons of betrayal. It is within the tender moments of vulnerability that true resilience emerges. As the fairytale unfolded with promises of forever, little did I foresee the shadows that would eventually cloud our path. Yet, in the aftermath of shattered illusions, I discovered an unexpected gift—a profound journey toward self-discovery and inner healing. This betrayal, though agonizing, became the catalyst for uncovering layers of strength and wisdom that had long lain dormant within me. I realized in the end I was truly and fully blessed by betrayal.
The experience of being ‘Blessed by Betrayal’ has granted me the most precious gift of my life. Without this profound experience, I would have never found my truest love of all, self-love.
“The darker the night, the brighter the stars.”
– Fyodor Dostoevsky
Stay tuned for part two, my journey Into the Darkness.
Discover how navigating through darkness can lead to profound personal transformation, newfound purpose and finding love of self.
Here are a few You Tube videos you may find helpful if you are suffering betrayal.
Do You Have Post Betrayal Syndrome? | Debi Silber | TEDxCherryCreekWomen (youtube.com)
Break-Ups Don’t Have to Leave You Broken | Gary Lewandowski | TEDxNavesink (youtube.com)
Self-Love – The Highest Teaching In The Universe (youtube.com)
